Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A letter to Finn

Dear Finn,

I held you in my arms today and I instantly went back to my childhood, I saw in my arms a small fragile child that needed his parents, doctors, nurses and brother and sister so so much. This reminded me so much of myself except in my case I didn't need doctors and I only had a sister and a mother. My Daddy was gone and that was an emptiness in my heart that would always need filled. All my life son I wondered what my Daddy would have told me or taught me, I often found myself asking would he have loved me. I know the answer of course but your mind wanders when you feel alone.

So here I am son on barely any sleep over 24 hours after you were born, sitting in front of my blog tap tap tapping away on my keyboard to make sure you never wonder anything about my feelings. And I promise you on your second day of life that I will always for as long as I live make sure that you never wonder about my feelings for you. You my dear boy are a dream come true, for the third time in my life I have witnessed the beginning of my babies life in a room in St Elizabeth's hospital and I promise you I have been just as amazed very single time. And after holding each of you babies my whole that I felt in my heart my whole life filled and today with you I can say I feel whole.

Now life will still have obstacles, I really don't think it could be called living without them. There will be struggles, I can tell you now as I write this on December 11th, 2012 that I am struggling right now. I am 2 payments behind on our house and 1 payment behind on my car but I assure you son that it will all work out. I will work my butt off to make sure that I right the ship and always care for you and your siblings. I will always protect you and I will always make it through no matter what. That is life sometimes, a struggle and a fight to get what you need and arrive where you belong. By the time you read this I imagine it will surprise you that we were in this financial crisis but that will help you when times seem tough to know that your Daddy steered the family through the darkness and the fog and we arrived where I had set out to take us.

These are things I wish I could have known back when I was young because alot of times life felt like there was no way out and I could not go on, but believe me son ANYTHING is possible and in fact the word impossible states I'M POSSIBLE. I will fill you with alot of those inspirational thoughts by the time you have grown and when you read this I hope you can appreciate what I have said and why.

Finn, I hope I am here to give you all the love that I felt I missed from not having my Dad growing up. You see I made him into a fictional Super Hero in my head of what I thought he would have been had he lived and this letter is my pledge to you to try to live up to what I imagined my Dad to be. I love you so much son and I will do my greatest from this day on to show you how much and how AMAZING you are.


Wednesday, October 31, 2012

What was Charlie Brown's teachers name??

I will never forget growing up without my father as is evident by many of my writings and poetry through the years, but also pretty dominant in who I am is the love I have for my children. I had so many dreams as a child most revolved around writing and winning things like Oscars or Pulitzer's in fact I even to this day know everyone that I would thank in my Oscar speech and exactly what I would say. Hopefully one day the world may know too. But life has a funny way of working out and as time passed another dream of mine came to life, parenthood.
I can still play in my mind the morning my wife woke me to tell me we were having our first baby, I can see her arms waving the test in my face and screaming noises that were supposed to form words. And me in my state of mind that was prepared for one more failed pregnancy test thinking to myself she just peed on that and it is in my face at 7 in the morning and then realizing that it was not my tired eyes playing tricks on me, there really were two lines and the loud rush of unfamiliar words that had been filling the room came together and formed in English this time that we in fact were having a baby.
That one single moment was the beginning of a long awaited healing, I was set to be a full man again. A proud Papa that was no longer defined in their mind by the dark shadows that consumed alot of my youth but instead defined by the fact that I was now a father. The only thing about this whole scenario that is not in any man handbook I have seen, is the fact that when the Dr. proclaims it's a girl alot of that macho is melted by the simple coo of your baby girl. Which is exactly what happened to me. I was wrapped around my daughter's little chubby fingers before they had even formed.
I will tell you the crazy thing is all the horror stories about sleep deprivation and crazy first months were not there for me of course my wife can't say the same as our little angel only allowed mama to feed her at first. Daddy was just good for cuddling, singing and sleeping on. (She would sleep on my chest with her arms spread out like wings for hours) What I did experience is that something about my daughter was special. Yes I know all parents feel this way but in this case it wasn't just me being a proud father. As the months passed and she grew older she began to speak as do all children (first word Dada by the way) but in her case it was an extensive vocabulary. She began to "barrel roll" which is a term I came up with for her crawling technique mainly because that is exactly what it was. She would see something she wanted and she would roll to the item like a barrel in the circus. She had obsessions with shows like Toy Story or Baby First TV. And she even had a feng shui moment when we switched her room and she refused to sleep for 3 months until one day we switched it back.
My daughter was growing a personality but we had our little fears, I remember looking at my wife when we were watching NBC's Parenthood and the son on the show Max who suffers from Aspergers did something that made me ask my wife if that was what Belle had.....
So we had her tested and she came out fine but she had a Sensitivity disorder that affected her.
Suddenly things made sense she was just sensitive to sounds, touch, lighting, etc,etc and these are things she will learn to cope with. That explained to me how she could spin in circles and never fall or dizzy. But the one thing that hung in my mind that for me wasn't explained is how intelligent she was for such a small child and how she knew things that kids her age should not comprehend.
What has made me sit down and write about this now is that she was tested for her developmental pre-school and they are basically saying that she has no issues with school so the occupational therapy she was receiving will no longer be provided and that my daughter in fact has Aspergers.....
This was a crushing blow to me and my wife.....On one hand we now understand the intelligence, the ability to spin without dizzying, the constant struggle to reason with her, the fact that change is really hard on her, the fact that after a fun day her brain is on overload and the only way for her to decompress is to scream and cry uncontrollably but on the other our 3 year old daughter is now being rejected for help because she does OK in school......
I have never been more frustrated by a system in my life.....what it boils down to is that the county who is in charge of helping us does not want to use the money they get from the state to help our child because she is intelligent which is ridiculous because she still has other needs that are not met by just school with no OT. i sometimes spend my days off work on the verge of a nervous breakdown because she has a bad day but because she is smart she is deemed not worthy for help by the county. As a father who loves his child more than anything on earth this is not what you want to hear ever. I am so heartbroken that she has to suffer in any way. It frustrates me even more to think that the best psychologist in the state deemed her to be a just cause and the county still says she is fine and needs no assistance.
The reason for the title is that I feel like the students and the teacher in those old comic strips or cartoons. On one hand I feel like my daughter tries to tell me what is bothering her at times and to me it just sounds like Charlie's teacher and I don't understand or I cannot fix her pain.....which kills me....on the other hand I feel like we are explaining everything to the school and the county and they refuse to hear us like the audience could not make out what the teachers were saying in the Peanuts cartoons. UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS - there were 5 mentioned teachers in the Peanuts gang cartoons: Mrs. Donovan, Mrs. Othmar, Mrs. Hagemeyer, Mrs.Halverson and Mrs. Swanson.

Sunday, August 19, 2012

White Noise

Hello out there........I had a super hard week and may freaked out some people near and dear to my heart as I sat in my car for a few hours but I think it will all work out fine. I think the pressure that mounts up upon one person's shoulders sometimes would be easier to handle if they had the type of people that surrounded me on Wednesday. The best news out of all of this is that my ideas in my mind have been silent and since Wednesday the thoughts are flyin all over. Just a brief stop here on the blog to tell all of you that read this to prepare because soon I am going to give you some really good thoughts......until then friends here is a poem I wrote after my mental break ..........


How kind to see you here
after all time thats passed
I know it gets hard
when you feel like your trapped
The pain grows great when you cant find your way
Remember Son
I'm just a gaze into the stars
So proud to see the man that
you have become
The kind of Dad I wish I would have been
Oh I am so proud that I gave you life
and you chose to live
Even with all the bad cards you were dealt 
Please know that I have always been here
Flying upon the rays of sun as they kiss your face
I see your smiles
I've tried to catch your tears
I've wrapped my arms around you
even though you cant feel
I hope the fire that burns in your heart
begins to rage
fuel for your heart
and those dreams that you'll chase
Go out and make all of them come true
Remember that you said
It will not rain
because of you
Enjoy those moments
that we were not fortunate to get
And love those kids with all
that you have
And when you have gone
as far as you can
I'll meet you where the sun
kisses trees into gold

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

A new song or poem

All My Life

All My Life
I have been forced to fight
I've walked through Crazy's place
In search of the right road to take
And at times I did not know
If I could go on
Could I walk away from this all

And I'm down here upon my knees
Humbly asking please
Wont you guide me away from
broken roads
Wont you lift me up so I can go on
My fire burnt bright
long ago
I proclaimed It would never rain for me

Then I never said goodbye
Our last words spoken
from a morphine haze
I put down my pen which was my strength
I felt the angels tears rain down on me
I fell deep inside myself

But that cannot be anymore
I have two kids that I adore
I felt that I was tripped out of the gate
A feeling that I could not escape
And one that I hope they never feel
I want to build them the greatest place
A world where they don't feel all this

I'm down here upon my knees
humbly asking you please
Light my way out of the dark
So I can be what I imagined my Dad was

My hearts burning strong again
And with this chance I wont let it rain
I have picked up my pen again
and I'm ready to chase down my dreams

Confessions of sadness

I am not surprised to see as I log in here that it has been 5 months since I last sat down to write anything. I can feel that distance in my heart and in my soul. You see since I first learned to tell stories with my writing I have used the platform of paper and pen or in this case of keyboard and screen to relieve my demons that taunt my psyche. I have always known that this confession of sorts was a prime indicator of how my life was going at any given moment. If I were writing then all must be OK or I had hit a breaking point. But if the pen fell silent then I was probably battling my demons and trying to escape back here to my safe house.
I can tell you now that I have been locked in a battle.
I sometimes envy the people that have been through little because they are able to enjoy more of their lives it appears. Or maybe they can't and they are just better actors than I am. Either way I find myself with envy of that my life has been pretty OK attitude. My life has not been pretty OK. It has been a good life but at times it has been horrible.
I love where I am at now. I am a husband and a father which brings me great joy. But I often feel that is all that I possess. I don't see my family nor my friends at all anymore and they were the ones that aided my ability to get to this point. Some have died, others have moved away but the ones that remain seem to have disappeared.
I used to get great joy out of my job as well. I feel that has disappeared within the last 2 years as well.
I wrote in a poem once that "knowing yourself is often like knowing your worst enemy." I have always believed this to be truth. I have given myself the confidence to succeed in life but it is also I that allow others to ruin my moods or make me second guess myself. This is a power that I usually don't let go of when i write. I am grateful that my talent also became my love and release.
This evening I really live up to my title Random musings....I am truly just throwing down random thoughts but man this feels great.
I am happy if you made it to the end of this because it means that you wanted to see where it was heading or maybe just found yourself bored and thought what the hell......
Either way I will confess what I set out to
I Ladies and Gentleman
am Christopher Hall and I am depressed.

This is the beginning of my search to find my happiness again for it disappeared sometime within the last five months. Any feedback or encouragement along the way would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you
Christopher Hall

P.S. if you see my happiness please tell it to come home.

Thursday, December 22, 2011


O Come All Ye FaithfulJoyful and triumphant,O come ye, O come ye to Bethlehem.Come and behold Him,Born the King of Angels;O come, let us adore Him,O come, let us adore Him,O come, let us adore Him,Christ the Lord.

No matter how many times in my life I have heard those lyrics, my eyes fill full of tears. This is my favorite Christmas song that pays homage to the reason the holiday is celebrated. I love Santa and Rudolph but this song tugs on my heart strings.

It has been awhile since I last wrote on this blog. I have been a busy father raising my two wonderful babes Liam and Isabella. Belle is super excited that Santa Claus is coming to town by the way. Yet I felt the need tonight to ease my pains the best way I know how which is to tap tap tap on my keyboard until my head has cleared the way for my thoughts to just drift off into a mindless TV program and then to sleep. Tonight's serving will be the latest episode of The League. And the earlier serving consisted of the tear jerking X Factor. Yes I actually cried during some of the moments. I am a dreamer and I believe that I can do anything I put my mind too so to see people go on these shows and catch their dreams it is touching to me. People like Chris Rene sober for 8 months and a day now so he could chase his dreams and be a better dad. Both things that are close to my heart. I have never been afraid to cry as Jim Valvano once said "If you laugh, you think and you cry, that's a full day. That's a heck of a day." I have always believed if that is what you have to do then let your emotions go when you are touched by something.

The reason I sat down to type tonight was not because I wanted to tell you about how I cried at the X Factor finale. It was maybe to get off my chest why I was feeling so emotional tonight. I have experienced alot of tragedy in my life, I have seen rock bottom , and I have contemplated ending it all on numerous occasions. Yet, no matter how far down the line I would fall, or how hard life would smack me off my feet I have continued to move forward. No matter what life had for me, no matter how alone I felt, I have always found a way to stand up and continue on. My writing has been my best friend since I would hide underneath an old tree in my grandmother's apple orchards for hours and just create stories or songs to ease my mind. I could still to this day be in a crowded room and feel alone. Which leads me to my point of why I sat down to write this evening.....I cant stand in a crowded room and feel alone any longer.

I am a 34 year old husband, father, son, brother and to a small few I believe I am a friend. I have lived my entire life asking what might have been due to the death of my father when I was just one year old. And today what might have been stops and becomes what will be. The reasoning for this sudden change 33 years after the fact is that now I have one of those moments in the life that you arrive at that leaves you with no option to continue the way you have been.

Two days ago I was told by my doctor that I had an object located right below my ribcage on my right side of my abdomen. As we continued to talk I heard the words come out in almost in slow motion as he said the words Soft Tissue Sarcoma. Now this was not only in slow motion but also sounded like a language that was like nothing I had ever heard. I have not spent much time dealing with Dr's of my own, matter of fact my only surgery I have ever had is when I have my wisdom teeth removed. I have never even had an IV or been put under. Yet on January 19th, 2012 I will travel to my first appointment with a surgeon to see what exactly has invaded my abdomen and what the course of action is for this. I pray with my heart and soul that this is just a blip on the timeline of my life but I also pray with all of my soul that I am here for my children always. Part of me writes this out of fear and the need to fill my hunger to write and the other to remind each and everyone that reads this to love with all of your hearts this Christmas. Do not let someones look if they don't like your present upset you, do not let crazy customers that want your job over $25 get you down. Do not let the guy or gal that stole that parking spot make you angry. If someone flips you the bird this season....maybe you deserved it or maybe they think you are #1.

2012.....will be the year that my life is going to have some firsts. My first novel will be finished by the end of 2012. My first promotion will happen one way or the other in 2012. I will step foot on the field at Notre Dame Stadium. And of course I will meet with the surgeon for the first time in my life on January 19th.

If you read this remember to love this holiday season, be a little more understanding, don't expect the world but enjoy all around you. Merry Christmas to all of you and sorry for rambling I just had to say something.

Oh and an update on my Liam and Isabella her is a pic.......