I am not surprised to see as I log in here that it has been 5 months since I last sat down to write anything. I can feel that distance in my heart and in my soul. You see since I first learned to tell stories with my writing I have used the platform of paper and pen or in this case of keyboard and screen to relieve my demons that taunt my psyche. I have always known that this confession of sorts was a prime indicator of how my life was going at any given moment. If I were writing then all must be OK or I had hit a breaking point. But if the pen fell silent then I was probably battling my demons and trying to escape back here to my safe house.
I can tell you now that I have been locked in a battle.
I sometimes envy the people that have been through little because they are able to enjoy more of their lives it appears. Or maybe they can't and they are just better actors than I am. Either way I find myself with envy of that my life has been pretty OK attitude. My life has not been pretty OK. It has been a good life but at times it has been horrible.
I love where I am at now. I am a husband and a father which brings me great joy. But I often feel that is all that I possess. I don't see my family nor my friends at all anymore and they were the ones that aided my ability to get to this point. Some have died, others have moved away but the ones that remain seem to have disappeared.
I used to get great joy out of my job as well. I feel that has disappeared within the last 2 years as well.
I wrote in a poem once that "knowing yourself is often like knowing your worst enemy." I have always believed this to be truth. I have given myself the confidence to succeed in life but it is also I that allow others to ruin my moods or make me second guess myself. This is a power that I usually don't let go of when i write. I am grateful that my talent also became my love and release.
This evening I really live up to my title Random musings....I am truly just throwing down random thoughts but man this feels great.
I am happy if you made it to the end of this because it means that you wanted to see where it was heading or maybe just found yourself bored and thought what the hell......
Either way I will confess what I set out to
I Ladies and Gentleman
am Christopher Hall and I am depressed.
This is the beginning of my search to find my happiness again for it disappeared sometime within the last five months. Any feedback or encouragement along the way would be greatly appreciated.
P.S. if you see my happiness please tell it to come home.