Wednesday, March 30, 2011
I sit in the darkness. Completely focused on my task at hand as I struggle to keep my eyes open. I watch his eyes scan my face that is illuminated by the Jay Leno show. What must he be thinking of this strange man that is holding this bottle of food for him? I hear my mind wonder if he has yet to master my face and it leads to further wonderment of what I must have thought as my father held the bottle in my mouth. These are the moments that really rack my brain and pull at my heart strings. I am unsure of whether my feelings are normal for all fathers or are they magnified because of my father's death and never being able to talk to him, smell his cologne, listen to his laugh, watch him cheer for our teams, or look into his eyes. I am positive of one thing and that is when my little boy is finished with his bottle and he places his hand on my cheek it is the time when my heart that was shattered into a billion pieces puts itself together again.
Saturday, March 5, 2011
My Baby Boy
This week has brought me joy, excitement, longing, tears, laughter, fear, panic, love and the best thing in the world my baby boy Liam Christopher Hall. Who came into the world 28 days early and right now is sitting under lights trying to bring his billirubin down so that he can come home. It is amazing to me at how much I love this little boy and I have only known him for a little over 71 hours but to be honest I cannot tell you what it was like when he wasn't here. I truly have been blessed by God as this father son relationship, I have dreamt of my whole life.
1 in a million and the #'s 2 & 9
The crazy thing about my son's arrival is one heck of a numerical oddity but it makes me feel that maybe my life is no coincidence. Let me explain. The craziness dates back to my first year when my father became a statistic you see he was one of the unlucky people that were hit by lightning and killed. Now this 1 in 2.52 million chance set me on a crazy path through life. I have had a couple run ins with 1 in a million shots. My mom and her boyfriend actually hit the 1983 Ohio lottery when I was a kid and although he ended up leaving and taking the money with him that was a 1 in million kinda thing as well. Back to the one in a millions in a moment.
Now fast forward to 2006 when my beautiful wife and I got married on December 9th after a few months of being married we decided to have a family and after months of trying and failing once again I was introduced to the 1 in a million statements as our doctor told us that we would probably not be able to have children. I tried to keep my spirits up as this was something that I had always longed for since my father was killed and after many months of infertility treatments and praying I had all but given up on my dream. But I should have known that if there is a 1 in a million involved I will be that 1 and on July 9th, 2009 my daughter Isabella was born, and what makes it great is there was no infertility treatment that would work and we actually accomplished this bundle of joy naturally. And then there is my son who I mentioned earlier. Two days prior to finding out we were having another baby we were once again told that we would probably not be able to have another baby. But funny how things work because after tears and coming to terms with the news there was my wife telling me again she was giving me a child.
Now my birthday is June 2nd and the reason I bring this up is that my son was born on the 2nd as well. I am starting to feel like maybe my lucky numbers are 2, 9 and any thing to do with a in a million stat. Before I go on to It Will Not Rain one last fun number reference. My wife and I love the number 9, we married on the 9th, our daughter was born on the 9th, and I wore 9 in sports and little Liam would not be left out of the 9 love as he was born on 3-2-2011. Now you may wonder how that has anything to do with the number 9 well.....3+2+2+0+1+1=9........
Now the Story of It Will Not Rain
A long time ago, well I cant say a long time ago since I am only 33 going on 34, but what seems like a lifetime ago I sat in a field hanging out with some friends on a summer night sitting by a campfire watching the stars and I kept noticing a tower off in the distance with one of those red blinking lights at the top of it. See with the tragedy of my father I spent most of my life searching for a greater meaning and when I gazed upon that blinking light I think I found what I was looking for. I immediately went and found a pen and wrote down a poem about the rain.
If I ask people why they think it rains I always get one of two answers. The first is so that the earth may replenish and give life to the plants and all beings that inhabit it. The second answer is usually because the moisture in the air rises up to the clouds and then the clouds produce rain that falls back to the soil. Now both answers are formed in science and since I think differently I will tell you why I think that it rains.
My answer was formed in my soul when I gazed upon that red light in the field. See I wrote in my poem that as each soul was born into heaven they had a little light just like that one in the field. A fast blinking light that measured the amazing possibility that every soul has in their future. You see one of the most important things that I took from the Bible was that God created us in his image. Why that is so important to me is if that were true and he created the Earth and the Heavens and we have been created in his image, then what can we not do if we put our minds to it and try. I say nothing is impossible. So with this fast blinking light for each soul the possibilities are endless.
As the soul is born on Earth that light continues to race, blinking so hard that it looks like a solid color. And as we go through our lives we gain dreams and aspirations. All the while the angels watch our lights flashing. I remember in my youth I was going to be GI Joe when I grew up, then I wanted to be a Transformer and when that didn't work out I decided that my ultimate dream was to play football at the University of Notre Dame. I think I had the skill but what I didn't have was the work ethic to get me there. I didn't realize that going to the gym to lift weights was actually a big deal that would lead me to Notre Dame or that running and throwing after practice may push me to my dream. I just figured in my teenage mind that my God given talents would carry me to my dream. Now i did get a few offers from really tiny schools or schools that were just beginning their programs but I had lost my dream of Notre Dame, so I branded that dream on my leg to remind me not only of my love for the Irish but also for a dream that was lost.
Which takes me back to the field, as you look back through your life and find yourself failing just a little bit like I did, that red light that shines with your soul dims just a little bit. And if you find yourself giving up on life completely and nothing in your mind is worth living for and the smile that you used to have with no effort at all just disappears. When the glow in your eyes no longer exists and when you become almost like a shell of the man or women you once were that red light that beat so passionately when you were born into Heaven just disappears. And as the angels see this they send tears from Heaven for the soul that has lost all hope. So for me I decided that It Will Not Rain for me.
I was so motivated when I thought that whole story out. I wrote screenplays, poems, songs, love letters. I thought that if I could come up with something so powerful then I must be able to do anything if I really want it bad enough. I lost that a little bit around six years ago after my grandfather who was like a father to me lost his battle with cancer. The day his eternal flame was extinguished I lost my will to change the world and be the best I could be. My red light was fading away and there was nothing I could do to stop it. And then my daughter came and life was breathed back in me a little. But still I could not light my fire inside me. Almost two years later however with the arrival of my sweet baby boy I can tell you that my fire is burning bright again. As I held him against my chest I gained my red light back again and I believe although it has faded a little over time, it will never fade again. I have dreamed of being a father and for the rest of my life I will live that dream. I have dreamed of writing poems and songs....and for the rest of my life I will live that dream. My goal in life for a career has been to write movies and 10 years ago had you met me I would have convinced you I could. I lost that belief in myself but now it is back. So forever let it be known It Will Not Rain Because of Me...
It Will Not Rain
Over in the east appears the sun
to lend its light for us to learn
and in some place a man will quit
sending tears from heaven
a flame has went
So forever let it be known
that no matter how hard this world may seem
It Will Not Rain
Because of Me