Tuesday, December 11, 2012

A letter to Finn

Dear Finn,

I held you in my arms today and I instantly went back to my childhood, I saw in my arms a small fragile child that needed his parents, doctors, nurses and brother and sister so so much. This reminded me so much of myself except in my case I didn't need doctors and I only had a sister and a mother. My Daddy was gone and that was an emptiness in my heart that would always need filled. All my life son I wondered what my Daddy would have told me or taught me, I often found myself asking would he have loved me. I know the answer of course but your mind wanders when you feel alone.

So here I am son on barely any sleep over 24 hours after you were born, sitting in front of my blog tap tap tapping away on my keyboard to make sure you never wonder anything about my feelings. And I promise you on your second day of life that I will always for as long as I live make sure that you never wonder about my feelings for you. You my dear boy are a dream come true, for the third time in my life I have witnessed the beginning of my babies life in a room in St Elizabeth's hospital and I promise you I have been just as amazed very single time. And after holding each of you babies my whole that I felt in my heart my whole life filled and today with you I can say I feel whole.

Now life will still have obstacles, I really don't think it could be called living without them. There will be struggles, I can tell you now as I write this on December 11th, 2012 that I am struggling right now. I am 2 payments behind on our house and 1 payment behind on my car but I assure you son that it will all work out. I will work my butt off to make sure that I right the ship and always care for you and your siblings. I will always protect you and I will always make it through no matter what. That is life sometimes, a struggle and a fight to get what you need and arrive where you belong. By the time you read this I imagine it will surprise you that we were in this financial crisis but that will help you when times seem tough to know that your Daddy steered the family through the darkness and the fog and we arrived where I had set out to take us.

These are things I wish I could have known back when I was young because alot of times life felt like there was no way out and I could not go on, but believe me son ANYTHING is possible and in fact the word impossible states I'M POSSIBLE. I will fill you with alot of those inspirational thoughts by the time you have grown and when you read this I hope you can appreciate what I have said and why.

Finn, I hope I am here to give you all the love that I felt I missed from not having my Dad growing up. You see I made him into a fictional Super Hero in my head of what I thought he would have been had he lived and this letter is my pledge to you to try to live up to what I imagined my Dad to be. I love you so much son and I will do my greatest from this day on to show you how much and how AMAZING you are.